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FAQ For Parents
What are my children learning
and doing in Project EXSEL? top
Your children are learning about EI. They are learning to understand
their emotions, how to manage them, and how this capacity will make
a big difference in school in relationships with friends and family.
Your children are learning how to identify what they feel, to control
difficult emotions so these feelings do not interfere with learning,
how to make choices informed by how they feel and think, how to
solve problems creatively, how to resolve conflicts, how to recognize
a good friend, how to listen and how to handle relationships. It
is common knowledge that EI is a better predictor of success than
anything else and we know that it is really important for kids to
get this education in school. The good news is that all children
(and adults too!) can enhance and increase their EI - it can be
learned at any age! Of course, the earlier this education begins,
the more integrated it becomes in a child's natural course of developing.
Your children are learning about emotions and how they work, throughout
the day - in the way that discussions are lead in class, in the
way that conflicts are resolved, in the way that lessons are taught
and in the focus of those lessons. They will also learn about emotional
intelligence from watching others - both at home and in school.
We encourage you to become involved in the teaching and learning
of emotional intelligence by participating in the at home lessons
and by staying in touch with this website.
How do Project EXSEL lessons
tie to academic subjects? top
Project EXSEL lessons, for the most part, are the traditional academic
lessons taught with an emphasis on emotional and social literacy.
For example, in a story that has a main character, rather than just
thinking about the plot or about the character's personality, Project
EXSEL lessons are written to encourage students to think deeply
about the character's motivation or his/her awareness of him/herself.
Children then take the next step to learn the skills. Children may
participate, for example in role playing exercises first related
to the story then a later time, use those same practiced skills
to role play a situation relevant to their lives. In addition, some
Project EXSEL lessons are stand-alone lessons. For example: lessons
designed to create positive classroom climate, lessons designed
to help build certain skills such as relaxation and keeping calm.
Then those same skills and understanding are woven into the curriculum
and throughout the school day in "teachable moments" in
class and on the playground.
How much time is Project EXSEL
going to take my children? top
A Project EXSEL class time is about 45 minutes. We hope Project
EXSEL will inspire a lot of time at home dedicated to increasing
the understanding of emotions and to work with them inside yourselves
and with others. Your children will be encouraged to talk with you
about your feelings and reactions. We hope that you will use many
opportunities in your home life as "teachable moments"
to increase your children's' competence in emotional education.
What's my role, as a parent,
in Project EXSEL? top
It would be wonderful if you can take time to read Dan Goleman's
book " Emotional Intelligence and Maurice Elias's book"
Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children." These books will
give you a great background in emotional intelligence. We encourage
you to ask your children about their EXSEL lessons and to work with
them on the home extensions to class lessons. We also encourage
you to attend the parenting events that are offered through Project
EXSEL at your school. The topics and the events may not necessarily
be about emotional intelligence, yet we always talk about Project
EXSEL and how it is related to the content of the evening.
Why do my kids have to learn
about emotions in school, not just at home? top
We live in a chaotic and uncertain world; children need to understand
and effectively manage their emotions to build resilience and to
handle difficult feelings and situations. They need emotional control
to work effectively during these times and to handle shifts and
changes in other's moods and in the world. Children spend most of
their time in school. They model the behavior of those around them
and continue to learn about how to negotiate the world during their
elementary school years. EXSEL offers the opportunity to create
a emotionally literate school environment where our children will
learn, through listening, watching and doing, the lessons they will
need as they are growing up today. We know that as parents, you
are doing everything you can to help the kids do their best, be
the best, and get the best. We as educators want to do the same.
What are the benefits of social
and emotional learning for my children? top
They can have better friendships, less stress, be able to think
more clearly and to perform better in school. They can also have
more self-knowledge, more informed choices, more understanding of
consequences, and be less vulnerable to peer pressures.
What can I do to support my
children's social and emotional learning at home? top
You can say your feelings out aloud. You can use teachable moments,
look for opportunities to teach them about how to handle emotions,
and how to express and identify emotions. Often these opportunities
come during stressful times. Spend quiet time with your children
so that there's an opportunity for them to tell you about their
emotions in non-pressured environment. Tell your children that you're
really happy they're talking about your emotions, comment with encouragement,
give them lots of reinforcement on what they do so that they get
the message from you that expressing their emotions is important.
Use your judgment about what is the best way to carry on the interaction.
Pay attention to the body responses and eye contacts during the
talk. Be conscious of the phrases you use that indicate if you're
the master of your fate or as a victim in terms of the events that
happened to you. Those messages we say aloud to our kids are often
the shapers how kids will see the world.
Are girls better than boys
in emotional intelligence? top
No, girls are typically better than boys at labeling and expressing
emotions, but they're not necessarily better at using their emotions
for other kinds of self-serving reasons. For example, boys are typically
better in controlling softer emotions so they're not so transparent.
This is percieved by some as good, and it may be at times, but may
not be all the time.
What's the difference among
emotions, feelings and mood? top
Emotions are specific kinds of feelings that describe what's going
on inside of us emotionally. For example, I feel sad or angry or
happy describes an emotional state. I feel cold or jumpy or restless
describes a physical state. Another example of what's not a feeling
is when you say, "I feel you should be a better friend"
or "I feel that he's wrong." Instead, it's a judgment
and a description of someone else's behavior. A mood is a bunch
of emotions or feelings that last for a period of time, like a morning
or couple of days. A mood describes a person's feeling in larger
terms than just emotions. So you can feel angry but be in a bad
mood.
How do I know when to encourage
or distract the expression of emotions? top
You're the expert with your own child, and each child has a unique
set of needs. You may have to go through some trial and error. The
key is to learn what works best for your child - what helps him/her
to feel listened to, cared about, safe and able to go about the
business of the day. You may want to try to encourage feelings first,
then move into another activity or conversation if your child seems
overwhelmed, non-communicative or unable to move into the next activity.
For younger children, distraction is often useful to get beyond
tantrums or extreme negativity. Remember that you can always come
back to the feeling at another time. Read Maurice Elias's book "Emotional
Intelligent Parenting", John Gottman's "Raising an Emotionally
Intelligent Child", Ron Taffel's " Parenting by Heart"
for more information and lots of great tips.
Should I be worried if my
kids are talking a great deal about 9/11 and/or the war in Iraq?
top
No, you should not be worried about it. You should be alert, though,
to how they're talking about it and what they are saying. For example,
if your child is talking about nothing else but 9/11 or the war
in Iraq, if every drawing they make is about 9/11 or war, and if
they tell you they cannot sleep and still have nightmares about
9/11 or war, we would encourage you seek help for your child. On
the other hand, this is a truly scary and disturbing time in our
country, and it should not be surprising if children are thinking
about it and talking about it. We as grown ups are still thinking
about it, too. We, as grownups, are scared, feeling threatened and
aware that we face uncertainty in our future. This is the climate
that, unfortunately, our children are now growing up in. Listen
to them, give them the information they ask for, as honestly as
you can, and tell them that you will do everything in your power
to keep them safe.
The site Educators for Social Responsibility, at
http://esrnational.org/,
has an interesting article Talking
With Children About War and Violence In the World that you might
be interested in reading.
How does social and emotional
learning help with discipline? top
Social-emotional education gives kids tools to understand emotions,
manage emotions and communicate effectively about them. Children
will learn specific skills to help them calm down, to use words
instead of hands in expressing anger, for example. Children will
learn what triggers their emotions, what makes them upset and angry,
or happy and joyous. Once children have this self-knowledge, they
can be great partners with you in getting beyond an upsetting moment.
For example, your children will learn to take the initiative to,
talk themselves through anger, express their feelings in words,and
find some activity to make themselves feel better. Children will
be better able to identify an escalating emotion before it gets
so intense it feels unmanageable. This self-awareness gives children
more control and a sense that they can handle themselves.
How can my kids and I benefit
from social and emotional learning if it's different from my cultural
norms/values? top
In every culture, every country and in every home, people have feelings.
While it may not be the norm or even desirable in your culture to
talk about your feelings, make direct eye contact, to have emotions
in part of the curriculum, there's no question that learning more
about yourself and learning more about your emotional life will
be helpful to you and your child. Paul Eckman has studied emotions
all over the world, and tells us that no matter where you are, from
the jungles to the major cities, there are certain emotions that
are universal. Knowing that, it follows that knowing more about
your feelings, how they work inside of you, how to manage them and
how your emotional life impacts choices you make and your relationships
with others, will give you and your children a greater sense of
self control and mastery in your lives. Knowledge is power!
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